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Its all so unnesecary

Aug. 10th, 2013 | 09:24 pm
posted by: anoosheh in depression_uk

You know what drives me mad the most about feeling like this, is that i have no excuse. Im famously impatient with people who act unreasonably with no good reason - if that makes sense - and yet more and more and more these days i see it in myself. I act in ways i find inexcusable not only in myself but in others. give me ten minutes and ill see what ive done, berate and hate myself and go even lower. I promise myself ill never act so awfully again, only to dive lower yet the next time the monster takes over my mouth.

i become incensed and furious at the smallest of things, only to find when i stop to think its not even worth getting mad about, sometimes not even deserving. When my head clears i swap to self loathing and beat myself into a deep dark black hole. my dearly loved partner despairs of me. Sometimes i come to my senses enough to reassure him im not totally insane, sometimes not. The more i flip out, the more i despair of myself, sure ive lost his love and respect, sure i dont deserve his continuing patience and endurance. Each time i fall further and further.

But the thing that drives me mad the most, is its all. So. Unnesecary. In my occasional moments of rationality, when i look at my life with kind, reasonable eyes, i realise i have NOTHING to be unhappy about. I love my chosen career. Ive been blessed with the opportunities and experiences given to me. If i could hand pick my friends and family, i wouldnt change a thing, And yet more and more i find myself resentful, irritable, angry, judgemental, despairing, loathing, accusatory, destructive, guilty, shamefeul. Last week, i broke a glass during a row with my partner - the row caused by my bad attitude, and he told me he couldnt believe how destructive i was. that destruction was the most juvenile of responses. I am still full to brimming of the poisinous shame and loathing and remorse and fear and anger and helplessness i felt that night. and the absurd thing? i cannot forgive him for his comment, even when forgives me the action that inspired it. I drive both of us and our treasured partnership further into the ground.

he told me once, almost a year ago, that he thought i had clinical depression and i needed help. Bless him, he has stood by me still now, when i finally see that may be true. I have come to the point where i cry almost non stop, over inconsiquential things. I loathe myself more and more each day and each time i throw the proverbial spanner in works that were doing just fine, out of nothing but anger or jealousy or loathing or fear. i am worn into the ground of the cycle of hatred, loathing, exhaustion, and hope, that i always dash for myself.

I sufferred with depression in my teens, fought and won. I sought no help. but this time its crippling and i dont even understand it, and i need help, even if its just the cathartis of writing this down in a place where other people who feel this same crippling disease also write their pain. I am sick of being ill, and maybe this entry is a step in getting better. 

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My old friend and foe

Jul. 24th, 2013 | 10:47 pm
location: United Kingdom, England,Wiltshire,Tidworth
mood: sad
posted by: damaged_being in depression_uk

I had thought that I was getting over depression. I was wrong. I am now sure it is something a person never really recovers from. It just goes into a less active state - lurking in the background to return when your defences are low.

We are going through a very hot time where I live. Each day has been hot for around two weeks and the nights unbearably hot. I have been surviving on around three hours of sleep and I am ready to cry. I'm tired but I can't sleep - or I can't stay asleep. My brain will not stop over analysing stupid and inconsequential things. When I do manage to get some sleep I am woken by someone else in the house flushing the toilet as they have prostrate issues or dogs barking.

During the day I have a constant dull head and I am unnecessarily abrupt or rude as a consequence.

This is all making me just want to hide away but I can't. I am the one who goes out to work. I am the one who puts on the brave face. I am the one who people ask for advice when inside I am screaming for help. I can't be going through this again, I just can't

Depression and stress has been there to warn me to step back when I am getting too involved. I can't step back from life though. Who will pay the bills? Who will ensure those I love are looked after.

Maybe I am just letting this very unwelcome lack of sleep make me see the worst side of things. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that I am seeing the worst side if things when in fact I am being an idiot for not going to the Doctor. I do not want to go on those drugs again. I can't take time off work, people rely upon me.

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We're stronger than we know...

Jan. 21st, 2013 | 10:38 pm
posted by: brokenbrained in depression_uk

Inspired by this post. For some reason,  these 2 songs go hand in hand for me! :)

I know this song is political, but if you think about it, the lyrics can be applied to life in general. Let's face it, even when life is doing nothing but kick us when we're down and we feel like curling up and dying; we find a way to be strong. It's not always a conscious decision...Hell, hardly ever, but there's something inside us that makes us go on. We should be embrace that, it shows that no matter how bad things get, human nature is to survive, and we do what we need to, to make sure that happens! :)

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Dec. 11th, 2012 | 01:42 pm
posted by: missnikkisays in depression_uk

Have you ever been called a piece of shit by your own parent? Please tell me I'm not alone ... I feel like crawling in a hole and sleeping forever. I will never call my precious baby a piece of shit no matter what they do. 

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Nov. 20th, 2012 | 09:30 am
posted by: missnikkisays in depression_uk

Why do I limit myself? I keep asking myself that this morning. 

For example, while on my job search this morning I found the perfect job for me. Four days a week, great salary and benefits, basically doing play/art therapy with children, which I am qualified to do. The catch? "Must have valid BC driver's license and reliable vehicle with business insurance." Now, if I knew how to drive I'm sure I could figure out the damn business insurance stuff myself, and I'd be set to apply for the job. 

My psychologist says that learning how to drive and obtaining my license will help me feel less limited to what I can and cannot do, and will give me even more of a sense of courage, or belief in myself. I hope she is right! 

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Something to make you smile

Oct. 31st, 2012 | 11:40 am
posted by: lap_of_the_gods in depression_uk

I saw this on my friend jadedwraith's journal and had to re-post. Brilliant! :D



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Aug. 7th, 2012 | 10:00 am
posted by: missnikkisays in depression_uk

I haven't posted in awhile because I recently lost my job and was very depressed about it; however, I now realize it was a huge blessing in disguise. I have not been happy doing my job for a long time and now I can find something different. I am currently looking for work-from-home stuff but a lot of it is scam crap. Any help or ideas would be appreciated.

I was abruptly "dismissed" from my job a couple weeks back and told my "contract would not be renewed" and that was about it. I thought I would be there until I had a baby, and then stop working. That's not going to pan out. If I can't find a way to work from home for now I am thinking of applying at the library or the book store because I just love literature. That's all I can think of that I might enjoy doing for awhile. No more working with kids - I love the kids but the parents are harsh and not fun to deal with these past couple years. 

Hope everyone is well and happy. 

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Aug. 7th, 2012 | 09:52 am
posted by: meginthecorner in depression_uk

Another bad bout of depression has set upon me again, but this time things are slightly different. I've lost all my appetite and when I do eat the food tastes of nothing. Has anyone ever experienced this? Is it common. I'm stuck at work and people are beginning to notice, which makes me very nervous, I wish I could go home but I was off for a good few months last time I had a bad episode and i'm terrified of taking anymore time off. Hope you are all ok x

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Jun. 26th, 2012 | 08:36 pm
mood: crappycrappy
posted by: fragil3things in depression_uk

hey im new to the group, been hard to find a group that is still going. anywas just thought id say a quick hey really . so hey ... :) xx

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Jun. 25th, 2012 | 05:06 pm
posted by: missnikkisays in depression_uk

Hello there ...

First and foremost I must admit I am not from the UK ... However, I was searching for similar communities and none really seem very active compared to this one, so I hope I am welcome.

I am from Canada, 25 years old. Suffering from depression, anxiety, ocd and usually very highly-functioning at that (thanks to meds). Having a rough time at the moment and hoping to add new friends and maybe chat on LJ Talk. 

Nice to meet you all :) 

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